A reflection on recognising unhealthy relationship patterns (with others and within ourselves)

Notice how people behave when you need to call them out on something that mattered to you, giving due respect.

It could be about anything, but the way they respond will be revealing. How people respond to personal criticism of some kind may say more about their character than sweet speech in “good times”.

Do they deflect and tell you frequently that you’ve “misunderstood” them? Then they may accuse you of blaming them 🤔 Or you’ll find that much of the conversation cycles back to their feelings and needs disproportionately, but yours gets just enough mention to make them feel virtuous and like the bigger person.

Do they regularly pass the buck to external enemies or circumstances (real or imagined) causing all the issues but fail to accept that they may have also played a part in the way things turn out?

There may be times where we have truly been victimised and this is not to minimise any of those cases. Our own safety is paramount in those situations. However, if we find the same patterns coming up in our lives, with multiple people … it’s probably time to realise that it might not be “everybody else but me”. That’s rarely the full story. Coping strategies are important, but I believe they need to be balanced alongside taking accountability and acknowledging our own agency in life.

Do they make perfunctory displays of affection such as “I love you ❤️” and other emoji-laden pleasantries in the middle of discussing more serious issues, thereby avoiding said issues?

They may want to be seen as showing empathy, but the tone and manner makes it clear it’s more performative than from any real concern or self-reflection. Such mistimed professions of love aren’t as helpful as addressing core concerns.

Are they comfortable setting and expanding their boundaries but then get surprised that you may have some too? They want to appear understanding but deep down they’re not pleased when you’ve asserted your need to respect yourself and your own feelings too. Of course, the ego gets wounded and fights back so it’s natural for them to resist any “accusations”.

I’m not into labels, but I’m sure there may be one (or many) for people who do these things. I do know that they need compassion, more so when they exhibit such behaviour. However, it does not make for a healthy or sustainable relationship at any rate.

When to say ‘enough’

If you’ve genuinely tried to express yourself to such a person and you’ve received the above responses in return, it might be time to rethink that relationship. Remember, it’s not your fault if your attempt didn’t work, especially if you did try to be respectful but firm. When someone’s defences go up, almost anything you say can feel like a personal attack.

If you’ve gone out of your way to try and accommodate their needs but find it a bit tiring when you’re not fully sure where the boundary is, where you stand with them or if it’s even realistic to maintain such strict rules to work around, it might be time to rethink that relationship.

If you’ve never had a cross word with them before but the very first time you express any hurt on your side or need for respecting yourself, you’re not met with patient understanding but with surprise, confusion, gaslighting, defensiveness and dismissal of your feelings, it might be time to rethink that relationship.

If, having become exhausted with old repeated negative patterns, you finally rip the bandage and offer that harsh but fair dose of reality you have been holding back on, they brush it off and respond sarcastically or passive aggressively, it maybe time to rethink that relationship.

It’s possible that they have unresolved emotions that they are avoiding facing, and on some level they are uncomfortable with people who may have healed that part of themselves. Unwillingness to move on and face uncomfortable truths can masquerade as unyielding boundaries. Any attempt to lift that veil, however well-intentioned, is probably not going to be received graciously. If at any point you sense that they are projecting their own doubts or fears onto you repeatedly when you’re moving forward, and you feel it drain your energy, please look after yourself and take a big step back. No amount of reasoning or support can convince them that they are capable of moving on in a healthy way, so it’s best we not interfere in their path and allow life to take its course. Hurting ourselves in the process doesn’t seem wise.

Some very intelligent, emotionally aware and sensitive people can in fact be some of the best manipulators. Their stories are so convincing that they manage to paint themselves in the most beautiful, innocent way. Truly, they believe their own narrative staunchly. They always seem to be the one who is wronged, mistreated, righteous but cast off unfairly. But heaven forbid you sense something off and inadvertently get a glimpse under the hood.

You deserve more than this. Everyone does. What may seem impossibly hard to confront now will be infinitely harder to brush under the carpet and live with peacefully.

Here’s a simple rule:

If it costs my peace of mind, a remedy I will find!

Sometimes handling these situations means making a clean break. Don’t allow yourself to be placed in emotional limbo. You may find that in the end, you had placed far greater value on that person and relationship than they ever did in return. It may sting to realise this at first, but trust me, it’s always better to know.

Some more intimate relationships such as marriage or long-term partnerships may require far more consideration before coming to a final resolution. Those are also some of relationships that are hardest to navigate, so there is no prescriptive advice given here. Every situation is unique and precious to the people within them.

Ultimately, we must aim to trust and go with our own instincts about any person or situation. Easier said than done, for sure. However, in my life I’ve learnt that it’s very risky to give over power to anyone other than myself. Power in the sense that I can change my own thoughts about things, therefore I can change my feelings, therefore I can change my actions and I can eventually change my reality. The moment we resign to the notion that others hold this power over us, we defeat ourselves.

If your choice leaves you feeling happier, more hopeful and more free than you were before, well done, you’re winning.

Everyone can be awesome, ghastly and everything in between.

We are all humans down here on Earth. That’s a pretty hard thing to be. We are ambiguous and direct. We are right and wrong. We are kind and can also be jerks sometimes. We are fearful but we can exhibit great courage. It’s all okay … Life can be hard enough to navigate without piling loads of messy baggage onto our backs and carrying it to our graves.

One of the most powerful things we can do to help ourselves is letting go of the past. This includes the whole package: forgiveness, self-love and acceptance of our reality, however far removed it may seem from what we had hoped for. But, it’s getting late and that’s going to have to be a new post at some point ✉️

Goodnight 🌝

Kiruthika Rajeswaran